XD

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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A nursery school teacher says to the class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks.. "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

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The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and, as usual, those pen-pushers deducted $95.00.

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"Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."

Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.

Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss." And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.

"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."

Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.

"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.

"They're girls' panties, Miss."

"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

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A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

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On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class Which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl

Then a little boy raises his hand and says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. "Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, "Oh god, I'm coming!'"

haha
cool2...
lol