As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said, "Good morning boss.
Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch,
just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard
all day. Let's go." We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little
private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the
way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We
don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she
said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip
into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a
big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends,
all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch..........naked.
A joke a day keep the doctor away. Hope you enjoy it.......smile all.....
In the heart of Geylang prostitute den, there was this very famous room no 10 highly recommended by friends to try out. One day, ah beng decided to pay a visit to room no.10 after his friends assured him of the greatest satisfaction he would experience.
That day, he walked into the building and asked the pimp for room no.10. The pimp bring him to the room and assured him that he will definitely enjoy it. Ah beng had never call chicken before and started imagining what it would be like. At this moment the door open and to his surprise a live healthy chicken run into the room instead of a woman. After looking at the chicken for a while, he suddenly had this thought of f..king a live animal. He thought, that is reason why this room 10 is famous. He started chasing the chicken, managed to catch it and lastly f...k it till the last drop. He was feeling truely satisfied.
The next day, he decided to try again. This time the pimp told him that the room 10 was occupied and recommended him room 12. At room 12, there was a crowd of people standing on chairs and peeping through small holes. Ah beng stand on 1 of the chair and peep through the hole. To his amusement, he saw a man attempting to f..k a horse. He remarked to a man standing next to him, "Ha Ha Ha, this man very funny. So stupid, so commical trying to f..k the horse. ha ha ha...."
The man standing next to him replied," Ya hor,, hahaha, this man really funny hor but yesterday even better, there was this man f..king a chicken. Wow he really siow, chase the chicken like mad. hahaha. That room 10 really fantistic la. Got very interesting show every time."
Ah Beng, " Huhhhhhhhh......"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the motherís labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent were probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbandís blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. They were allowed to go home the same day.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
The guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Father: "Son, what happened yesterday?"
Son: "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a black eye."
Father: "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is on the table?"
Son: "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed "Bitch! Leave me alone, I'm married!"
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, are all these kids
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, that's
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes Evening keep clothes Nite iron clothes Midnight take off clothes After
midnight find clothes
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Why not - don't you like being married?
Of course I do.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Okay, I'd get married again.
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
(Makes audible groan).
Would you live in our house?
Sure, it's a great house.
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else would we sleep?
Would you let her drive my car?
Probably, it is almost new.
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Would she use my golf clubs?
No, she's left-handed.
- silence - -
F * ck.
Don't give up...
it's just the way of the world
when your heart's heavy i will lift it for you
Don't give up
U are loved...